


Running In Circles

by LadyAuroraPendragon



Series: The Circle Series [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: (I mean that's always but it's really bad at this point), Arthur's an idiot, Canon Era, Canonical Character Death, Everyone Is Gay, F/M, Love Triangles, M/M, Missing Scene, can't hide it from me BBC, canon AU, emphasis on choices, season 4
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:20:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25396033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAuroraPendragon/pseuds/LadyAuroraPendragon
Summary: Sequel to Feed The Flame: It's been years at this point, Arthur is still an idiot about most things, including his feelings, he's the King now, too. But Arthur has to decide; Will he marry for his Kingdom or will he follow his heart? And what about Merlin? He has to decide what's more important; Someone who actually wants to spend their life with him or his destiny? But, when it comes down to it, will either of them make the right choice....?
Relationships: Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: The Circle Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839361
Comments: 5
Kudos: 32





	Running In Circles

**Author's Note:**

> (A/N: So, I don't have too much of this written, so I can't say when it will be updated again, I kinda paused writing on this to start writing on other things, but i wanted to get something out, at the very least...anyways. This was not supposed to be the sequel, there was supposed to be another one between the first one and this, about the Knights and exploring their stories a little more. I was just struggling to figure out exactly what I wanted to happen, I had key parts, but not all the little extra bits. This story, however, I knew exactly what I wanted to write. It will be a little different, instead of happening at some point in the season, like the first one, this story will be chapters that take place around episodes in season 4, so we will be doing some jumping from this to this. So, my idea, is 'moments that weren't shown,' so like for example, this chapter is about Merlin dealing with the loss of Lancelot, where the next will...spoiler alert, will be about Arthur dealing with the death of his father. And hopefully, by the end, it will become one fluid story, that makes sense. Here's hoping! Enjoy reading this, and by the way, it is very sad, because Lancelot has died, and I wish I could have saved him, I honestly kinda love him, so much...like I do, at least when he was around Merlin anyway. But I can't, as I am trying to write as close to canon as possible.)

Merlin knew people dealt with grief all in their own way. Arthur was being stubborn about it, Gwen was weeping into her hands every chance she got, the Knights just looked like they were half awake half the time anymore, and Merlin...well, despite what everyone else seemed to think, Merlin was taking it the very worst. Merlin thought this might be the hardest thing he had ever had to deal with, this, or maybe his father's death. But the two were much different, Merlin mourned for the relationship he would never have with his father, and now, instead he mourned for the relationship he _did_ have with Lancelot. Lancelot, brave and noble and...stupid, just really stupid.

He died saving Merlin from doing the exact same thing he had done, and Merlin wished Lancelot had just let him, at least then he would not be feeling this heartache. Merlin now, stood in Arthur's chambers, he was supposed to be cleaning, while the Prince was training. Merlin was supposed to be polishing a pair of Arthur's boots, not crying over them. But that's what he was doing, unable to focus on his task, instead, tears fell over his cheeks, as he did nothing but stare off into the not too far off distance.

But suddenly, there was sound of a heavy, wood door opening and Merlin stood up, dropping the boots he did not polish and turned away from Arthur to wipe his tears. He took a deep breath, trying to stop himself from crying, and didn't meet Arthur's eye.

"What's all this?" questioned Arthur. "Have you done anything since I've been gone?" Merlin said nothing, only looked down at Arthur's now very dirty armor and sighed. "Merlin?" continued Arthur, and Merlin looked up, and he knew how he must look, like a child, like a pathetic excuse for a manservant, or all the other useless words Arthur throws at him in anger. To Merlin's surprise, however, Arthur's darkened eyes turned soft and he stopped, looking over Merlin's face. "I'm sorry...Merlin, you must be-"

"Bored of polishing your shoes?" offered Merlin, because he didn't want Arthur to say it, because if he said it, then it would have to mean it was true, and Merlin couldn't take hearing Arthur talk about it. Arthur seemed to understand this, and nodded, quickly.

"Yes," he said, with a small smile. "Why don't you...take the night off?"

"But your room...?" Merlin looked around and saw the many piles of clothes and thrown books and...Arthur really was a pig. Arthur looked too, and shrugged.

"It will be there in the morning."

Merlin left Arthur's chambers, feeling a new sort of surge in his heart for Arthur, he never gave Merlin a day off, and it might seem foolish, but it was a big deal when he did. Though, Merlin realized now that he didn't have Arthur's chambers to worry about tidying, Merlin was only left with being grief stricken again. He didn't go back to Giaus' chambers, though that being where he had been originally going, but instead he chose to go outside. It was a cloudy day, dark and gloomy, almost like the skies were mourning too, and soon Merlin found himself, not paying attention to where he was walking.

He remembered the first time he had met Lancelot, he had saved his life then, just as he had done now. Merlin only wished there was someway he could thank him, he wished there was some way he had known, so he could have appreciated Lancelot more, while he was still here. But how are you to know, how are you to ever imagine...

So deep in thought, Merlin was just walking, walking and walking more, that was until he collided with someone and fell to the ground. He didn't realize what had happened for a second, after he lay there, in the dirt, he thought he might just stay there awhile, actually. Until someone started talking to him.

"Careful there, Merlin," said the voice, as he heaved Merlin off of the ground. Someone might get the wrong idea." Merlin looked at him, Gwaine grinned at him, but it was missing it's usual sense of mirth. "They might think you''ve fallen for me..."

Merlin would have normally laughed at this, Gwaine was silly and cute, and all around someone Arthur didn't like Merlin around too much, not that Merlin usually cared, but right now, he couldn't find it in him to do anything but start crying, just right there, in the middle of town. Gwaine looked confused, for a second, before he grabbed Merlin's arm, and started pulling him along, back toward the castle.

"You shouldn't be out here now," he said, much more seriously, which in it's self, was odd for Gwaine. "You ought to be in bed, or drinking your feelings away..."

"I'm sure that's what you've been doing," commented Merlin and Gwaine paused, looked back and raised an eyebrow. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing..."

"It's the only way to forget, Merlin."

"I wish I could forget..."

"I can arrange that?"

And Gwaine did arrange it, an hour later, just as the sun was starting to set, behind thick clouds, the two sat upon the barracks, with so many bottles of different meed and cider, Merlin didn't know what half of them were. Unlike what Arthur thought, Merlin actually, really, didn't spend all of his time in the Tavern. Gwaine handed a cup of something to Merlin and without questioning it, Merlin started drinking. Merlin was a lightweight, according to Arthur at the very least, and by the time he had finished his first drink, he was already starting to feel funny. Though, upon finishing, Gwaine filled his cup up again.

"You know...Arthur thinks I spend all my nights in the tavern," said Merlin, he felt like his words were coming out slow, but at least the pain in his heart had dulled, though still very much there. Perhaps it would never go away.

"That's not true," said Gwaine, downing his cup. "I never see you there."

Merlin smiled, but said nothing. Around this time, every night, or as many nights as they could, after Merlin had given Arthur his dinner and he would be dismissed, this would be when Merlin, and Lancelot would come out to practice sword fighting. At these thoughts, Merlin started to feel sad again. "I miss him..."

"Who? Arthur?" asked Gwaine, not looking over at Merlin, though, Merlin was looking at him. "Can't see why."

"No..."

"Ah..." said Gwaine, but that was all, and Merlin wondered, how did Gwaine do it, how could he think of Lancelot and not cry? Tears were welling in Merlin;s eyes right now, he huffed and tried to hide them. "Merlin, don't start crying on me, alright? I hate when people cry..."

"I'm sorry," said Merlin, trying to blink away the few tears that wouldn't listen to Gwaine. "How are you doing it?" he asked then. "How are you managing not to-?"

"To cry?"

"No, I mean... _be sad_?"

"I'm not, Merlin, I'm not managing it," said Gwaine, and the softness and honesty in Gwaine's voice shocked Merlin for a moment. "I haven't been sober enough to think straight in three days, because when I am..."

"I'm sorry," whispered Merlin, betraying Gwane once again, by starting to cry. Gwaine didn't say to stop though, not this time. "It's my fault."

"How is it your fault?" offered Gwaine, as he filled Merlin's cup once more, and watched him, carefully. "You didn't tell him to do it."

"Gwen is going around saying how she asked Lancelot to protect Arthur," said Merlin, in one big sob. Gwaine grimaced at the sound of Lancelot's name and said nothing. "But it's not true," continued Merlin. "It had nothing to do with Arthur, Lancelot stopped me from sacrificing myself, he took my place..."

"Well, I'm glad he did..."

"Why?" offered Merlin now, looking back over at Gwaine, from where he had been staring off into the grey sky, before. "He was a Knight, I'm just a servant..."

"Eh...you know I don't care about titles, you're my friend, Merlin."

"So was he..."

"True," nodded Gwaine, and he slid over closer to Merlin, and talked much quieter now. "But I don't think Camelot could go on without you, Merlin." Merlin thought about this for a long time, but didn't reply. Because he wasn't sure that was true, Arthur would have Gwen and at least then Lancelot would still be alive. "You know what you need to do?" asked Gwaine now, they both had been quiet for some time, and Merlin was really starting to feel the drink in his hand. He looked at Gwaine, confused. "You need to let it all out."

"I thought I was?" asked Merlin, darkly, Gwaine smirked at this.

"No," he stood up and yanked Merlin up along with him. "You need to let it all out, scream...shout. It will make you feel better, I do it all the time."

Merlin smiled a little at this, as Gwaine dragged him over to the side of the wall. Merlin wasn't sure if Gwaine was not guiding him, he would walk straight. Gwaine got up, between two of the barricades and threw his arms up in the air and let out such a scream, that somewhere someone dropped something that shattered. Merlin was taken aback by this, eyes widening, as Gwaine, not much for his own safety, ever, turned around and grinned at Merlin.

"What the hell are you doing?!" asked Merlin. Gwaine simply just laughed, as he jumped down and took a bow.

"I'm letting it out," he explained, simply. "Go on...your turn!"

"No!" Merlin shook his head. "Someone will have our heads for sure..."

"Who says it's against the law to scream, Merlin? I'm a Knight of Camelot, I give you permission, or have you forgotten?" offered Gwaine, patting the barricade he had just been standing on, with his hand. "Up you get...come on."

"No," Merlin refused yet again. "I'm going to fall."

"I'll hold you..." said Gwiane. "Come on, live a little!"

Merlin huffed, not sure how to stop the madness, so he just gave into it, and stepped up onto the walling. There was no protection, so if he fell forward, he would fall to his death. At this thought, Gwaine's hands went around Merlin's waist, and held him there, steady. Merlin's eyes traveled around the town below him; It was dark and the only thing he could see were the candles glowing in people's windows. He took a deep breath and let out a yell, it wasn't quite as loud as Gwaine's, but surprisingly, it did make him feel better. And a bit stupid but he wouldn't tell Gwaine that, because from behind him, Gwaine was cheering him on. Merlin let out another yell, this time much louder and much longer.

Gwaine, apparently inspired, got up onto the wall next to him and started screaming too. So now, they were both on top of the wall, screaming out into the city. And it was so stupid, so dangerous, so impossibly thrilling for some odd reason, that Merlin wasn't ashamed of it at all. Gwaine was laughing again. And heart not repaired, but maybe mended a bit, Merlin started laughing too.

"See, all better..." said Gwaine, smartly, but just as he did, his footing slipped and he started to tumble forward. Fear struck Merlin, almost instantly, as he urged himself forward and grabbed Gwaine around the shoulders, pushing them both back, until they were both laying, safely, flat on the ground. "Ah...my hero."

Merlin laughed again, feeling a little bit drunk, or maybe a lot drunk. He leaned his head back, onto the wall behind him, and Gwaine moved closer once again. "Do me a favor, alright?" said Merlin now, turning his head and looking over at Gwaine. "Don't get yourself killed doing something stupid."

"But that takes all the fun out of it, doesn't it?"

Merlin shook his head and rolled his eyes. "You're insane..."

"But I made you smile, and that's all that really counts, right?"

Merlin grinned, eyes growing heavy with drink and true tiredness, he had barely slept lately. Gwaine was smiling back at him, in a very not Gwaine way, so that only meant it was more honest than all the others. "You did...you always do."

"Not true, but I'll take it."

"It is true," argued Merlin. Gwaine shrugged, leaning, even more, closer.

"Nah, I'm not Arthur."

"No, you're not...but who wants to be that Clotpole anyway?"

"You have a point there..."

Merlin nodded, or at least attempted to, but it was lost completely, by instead, Merlin leaning the rest of the way forward, and pressing his lips gently against Gwaine's. Who, in turn, kissed back with much more eagerness. And this, _this_ is where they would end up staying, for the rest of the night.


End file.
